Wednesday, June 29, 2005

No, My name isn't Raymond

Today I bought some clothes... at Kmart. Cut me some slack, I quit my job to raise my children and am poor for Christ's sake! I felt like Rainman. To make matters worse, the clothing I bought included underwear. Underwear that I hoped my husband would find sexy. How embarrassing. I went there in search of a plastic pool. During this trip I discovered what most of the sane world already knows: KMART IS A NIGHTMARE! I was tempted to shoplift in front of my two children just to be on my way home. There was one cashier who looked capable, but that was just a front. The cute polka dotted underwear I coveted was supposed to be on sale. Buy one pair and get the second 50% off. This seemed simple enough, especially in today's day and age of high tech beeping cash register wizardry. And I figured, even if the register made a mistake, the little I recall from 4th grade math reminded me that the deal makes each pair 25% off. But, do you think it is that simple at the Mart of K?? OH NO!!...NO..NO...NO...NO... NO! Instead, the register rings both items full price. When I point this out PRIOR to the transaction being finished, the cashier assures me that I am mistaken and all will be fine at the end. I send her my subliminal mantra to no avail.."PUSH THE 25% OFF KEY! PUSH THE 25% OFF KEY!". Of course she is WRONG and sends me to stand in line with the rest of the helpless stooges, all of us victims of Kmart's Voodoo Economics. By the time I make it to the front of the "customer service" line.. (here customer service being defined as that which provides no service other than to piss you off to the point that you risk being arrested for felony assault), I was about to slit my own wrists when I realized I had now been waiting for over 30 minutes to get $2.49 + 7.5% tax back. When I began to explain my predicament to this clerk, it was clear she did not understand a word I was saying and on my second time around telling the same story I noticed out of the corner of my eye that one of the pairs of panties had LARGE...CRUSTY...WHITE.... STREAKS...on the crotch no less!! When I pointed this out to the "customer service" rep she said "well do you still want them?" I should have said yes and then sold them on eBay and paid for my kids to go to college, but instead, like the good hygienic moron that I am, I said no. In the meantime a man, who was jumping his turn in line, and had to be as old as toothpaste, started raising cain about something not having a price tag and having to wait in line. He obviously had some sort of hearing aid issue that made him UNABLE TO CONTROL THE VOLUME OF HIS VOICE...He also must have served some time in a prison or the Navy judging from his enviable ability to swear in rapid succession without so much as breaking a sweat. Here I had been so proud of myself for holding back from tearing this woman a new one since my kids were in tow and now this 100 year old asshole appears with a mile long stream of profanities that burned holes in my childrens' semi-virginal ears. I hate to admit it, but I was jealous. Goddamnit, why wasn't it me getting to scream "SHITHEAD MOTHERFUCKIN KMART!" at the top of my lungs? Ohhhh...how I missed the glory days of no restraint..woe is motherhood.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

What did I do today?
1. Changed a blue turd in my baby's diaper.
2. Watched the Brady Bunch episode where Alice feels unneeded and lies about needing to leave.
3. Visited the Dollar Store and bought cured black olives. Hopefully I won't die from eating rancid dollar store food. Thank god they don't sell meat!
4. Listened to Elvis while I did the dishes.
5. Thought long and hard about stealing a weather vane off of an office building while sitting in traffic.
6. Had a truck full of rednecks yell "Fuck You Dipshits" to my, husband, 6 month old baby and I when we got caught in an intersection due to a short light.
7. Noticed I could see my nipples clear as day through my shirt after I was already out in public.
8. Came home and willed it to rain.
9.Made a mental note to watch "The Boy in The Plastic Bubble" starring John Travolta tonight on TVLand.
10.Dropped a penny in a parking lot and being the cheap bastard I am, regretted not picking it up, before I drove off.

Getting to know me, getting to know all about me..........

Inspired by the Postsecret Blog, I have decided to divulge 10 of my own secrets here as an icebreaker of sorts. I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours...that sort of thing.
Here goes nothing:
1. I was spooked after seeing my Great Grandmother dead in her casket at age 6. My Mom had to sleep with me every night until I was 11.
2. I pretend I can swim, but I can't.
3. I don't like most of my friends.
4. I often don't return phone calls and then lie about having not received the message.
5. I used to smash rollie-pollies with a hammer on my patio growing up.
6. I hate that my son is starting to look less like me and more like my ex-husband.
7. I once put a sausage on the antenna of my best friend's car and wrote SLUT on the windshield with lipstick then tried to help her figure out who did it. This happened at age 16, we are 34 now, and she still thinks it was someone else.
8. I tell insurance companies I am a non-smoker.
9. I wish I knew how to go about having just one sapphic encounter.
10. I fantasize about being a genius stripper.

Monday, June 27, 2005

I find that I tend to live vicariously. Case in point, the sexcapades of my best friend and her older sister, "Slutty Jenny". I know what you are thinking...this bitch is just jealous that her ugly ass couldn't get laid.. which is not the case...granted I was no Christy Turlington, but these two girls really trumped me in the arena of late 80's high school extra curricular snake handling/chicken choking/salami slapping/monkey spanking... you get the picture. Case in point, I attended a high school party with my best friend who we will casually refer to as Skankgirl. Skankgirl was all of 16 and had a penchant for the drinkie. Drink of choice you might ask? None other than the best, Milwaukee's that is. What's the problem with a drunk & horny 16 year old (shame on you, by the way)? Well.. Skankgirl would get literally cock-eyed drunk and then after trying to light a cigarette with an electric razor in a stranger's bathroom, come out beckoning "Who wants to play take off all your clothes with me in the back yard?" Shortly after her randy invite she and 8-10 barely post-pubescent boys would parade to the far reaches of the yard, where, being no dummies, the boys would remove an occasional belt or sock while poor boozed up Skankgirl took off her dress, bra and panties leaving the batch of bonered boys to gawk at something much more sensational than Molly Ringwald's panties in Sixteen Candles... and for free I might add. These guys didn't even have to fork over the lousy dollar. Inevitably, a lone desperado, would be "brave" enough (translation of brave in this passage: voted most likely to become future rufie toting date rapist) to do more than just stare and would seduce Skankgirl into having sex in the backseat of a car in the cul-de-sac (once anally I might add). Ruff! Why didn't I save her from this embarrassment you ask? Well...I was another drunk 16 year old girl too busy with my googly eyed secret romantic longings to find a boy that would kiss me sweetly and gently and tell me he loved me. Besides.. the times I did try to coax her out of similar situations she totally bitched me out which really pissed me off.
As scintillating as it was to witness my friend's conquests second hand, I must admit I was really turned off by her lifestyle. Thank you Skankgirl for saving me from Slutdom-

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