No, My name isn't Raymond
Today I bought some clothes... at Kmart. Cut me some slack, I quit my job to raise my children and am poor for Christ's sake! I felt like Rainman. To make matters worse, the clothing I bought included underwear. Underwear that I hoped my husband would find sexy. How embarrassing. I went there in search of a plastic pool. During this trip I discovered what most of the sane world already knows: KMART IS A NIGHTMARE! I was tempted to shoplift in front of my two children just to be on my way home. There was one cashier who looked capable, but that was just a front. The cute polka dotted underwear I coveted was supposed to be on sale. Buy one pair and get the second 50% off. This seemed simple enough, especially in today's day and age of high tech beeping cash register wizardry. And I figured, even if the register made a mistake, the little I recall from 4th grade math reminded me that the deal makes each pair 25% off. But, do you think it is that simple at the Mart of K?? OH NO!!...NO..NO...NO...NO... NO! Instead, the register rings both items full price. When I point this out PRIOR to the transaction being finished, the cashier assures me that I am mistaken and all will be fine at the end. I send her my subliminal mantra to no avail.."PUSH THE 25% OFF KEY! PUSH THE 25% OFF KEY!". Of course she is WRONG and sends me to stand in line with the rest of the helpless stooges, all of us victims of Kmart's Voodoo Economics. By the time I make it to the front of the "customer service" line.. (here customer service being defined as that which provides no service other than to piss you off to the point that you risk being arrested for felony assault), I was about to slit my own wrists when I realized I had now been waiting for over 30 minutes to get $2.49 + 7.5% tax back. When I began to explain my predicament to this clerk, it was clear she did not understand a word I was saying and on my second time around telling the same story I noticed out of the corner of my eye that one of the pairs of panties had LARGE...CRUSTY...WHITE.... STREAKS...on the crotch no less!! When I pointed this out to the "customer service" rep she said "well do you still want them?" I should have said yes and then sold them on eBay and paid for my kids to go to college, but instead, like the good hygienic moron that I am, I said no. In the meantime a man, who was jumping his turn in line, and had to be as old as toothpaste, started raising cain about something not having a price tag and having to wait in line. He obviously had some sort of hearing aid issue that made him UNABLE TO CONTROL THE VOLUME OF HIS VOICE...He also must have served some time in a prison or the Navy judging from his enviable ability to swear in rapid succession without so much as breaking a sweat. Here I had been so proud of myself for holding back from tearing this woman a new one since my kids were in tow and now this 100 year old asshole appears with a mile long stream of profanities that burned holes in my childrens' semi-virginal ears. I hate to admit it, but I was jealous. Goddamnit, why wasn't it me getting to scream "SHITHEAD MOTHERFUCKIN KMART!" at the top of my lungs? Ohhhh...how I missed the glory days of no restraint..woe is motherhood.